cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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