Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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