Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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