we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
