I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
