Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
