The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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