I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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