She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
