sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
