i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
