You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize