I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
