Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
