There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
