Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
