I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
