I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
