I faked an abortion last night.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
