please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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