dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
