if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
