dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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