If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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