he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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