So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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