my phone needs a breathalizer
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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