it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
