he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
