How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
