Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
