I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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