fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
is wine microwaveable?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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