Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
