I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
