I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
