Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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