If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
