I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
