and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
