Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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