i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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