Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
home. puking in laundry basket.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
