tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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