I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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