So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
