I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
