I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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