I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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