Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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