need another drink. this is the easiest way
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
