Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
