Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
