so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize