Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
