I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
