Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
