3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
