Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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