I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize