For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
