Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
