I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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