Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
