I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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