Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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